For fun during quarantine I decided to go through my collection of travel-size toothpaste tubes to figure out which one is the best. This was back in late March, early April mind you. I was pretty bored with weeks of quarantine and definitely not adjusted to all the changes, so this was like a fun little game for myself I did. I kept individual notes on all the different toothpastes and ranked them individually.

When I told this to one of my friends they thought it was interesting and encouraged me to make it my first blog post. I think it's a cute enough idea and I've been wanting to start actually making some posts on my blog since I have a few draft posts around. Sadly I didn't think to take pictures of the toothpaste tubes as I was doing the reviews and I can't bring myself to take images from online at the risk of this seeming even remotely legitimate. I also don't include prices or links because I can't be bothered. Anyway, let's get into the ranking.

1. Crest Complete with Scope

Somewhat unsurprisingly, this is the toothpaste that I normally use, so obviously I'd like it. Compared to #2 (Crest Gum Detoxify), it has a slightly worse flavor and foaminess. But at a significant fraction of the price you still get a good-flavored paste that strikes a good balance between foam and paste.

2. Crest Gum Detoxify

At the price, you'd expect this toothpaste to be excellent, and you'd be right. It had the best texture and taste of any of the toothpastes I used and definitely left my mouth feeling the cleanest. It's just so expensive that I can't put it at first.

3. Colgate Clean Mint

This one reminded me a lot of #5 (Crest Cavity Protection Regular Paste) but better across the board. It tasted slightly stronger than it and had a noticeably more pleasant texture. Otherwise it's a pretty unremarkable toothpaste.

4. Listerine Essential Care Gel

This toothpaste (well, toothgel I guess?) surprised me the most of all the toothpastes I reviewed. It doesn't spread very well because it's a gel but the taste is incredibly pleasant and feels very clean. The taste is somewhere between Listerine mouthwash and regular crest toothpaste, leaving a very clean feel in your mouth. Also, once you get used to the gel aspect it actually spreads incredibly well, although it doesn't foam up as much as I prefer.

5. Crest Cavity Protection Regular Paste

Maybe it's because this is what I grew up with but this is exactly what comes to my mind when I think of toothpaste. It has a fairly weak mint flavor but is very agreeable. It spreads nicely and foams up pretty well. Yeah, it's what a toothpaste should do at a good price. I personally consider this the floor of good toothpastes.

6. Aquafresh Extreme Clean

Oh Aquafresh, I never used you before now and I'm glad. This was the hardest paste to spread (much worse than the gel above!) and hardly foamed at all once you actually got it all over your teach. The taste was the harshest mint I tried and didn't even leave your mouth feeling clean. It wasn't actively unpleasant to use but there are so many better options.

7. Crest 3D White

As a rule, I think whitening toothpastes and other products are a bad idea. Teeth aren't naturally perfectly white and there's no long term benefits to whitening them (that I know of). So whitening teeth is just superficial, expensive, and painful to me.

Crest 3D White toothpaste did nothing to change this for me. Every night brushing my teeth felt like punishment where I'd use a toothpaste that tasted, spread, and foamed like silt, leaving a somewhat dirty feeling in my mouth. Also, whenever I used it my teeth would burn a little. From talking to friends I think this is normal for whitening products, but I still don't want brushing my teeth to hurt. It was a bearable experience but made me not look forward to brushing my teeth even if they felt gross.

8. Kid's Crest Cavity Protection Sparkle Fun

Oh. My. God. This toothpaste was awful. I used it a few times as a kid during family vacations and the like, and I do not remember this toothpaste being So unpleasant. It foamed up so much and felt vaguely gritty I think from the glitter. The worst was the taste. All the others tasted like mint, which is what I've come to expect from a toothpaste. However, in an attempt to appeal to kids, this one tastes like bubblegum. I don't know whose idea it was to use a sugary food as a flavor for toothpaste but whenever I used this not only did it taste bad it also left a very dirty taste in my mouth, like I just ate candy. Using it as an adult was an awful experience, but from what I remember as a kid I actually liked it so maybe they're just hitting their target audience really well.

Raw Notes

Here is a literal transcription of my original notes from my phone.

1. Crest Complete with Scope: A slightly worse Crest Gum Detoxify at a fraction of the price. My personal favorite.
2. Crest Gum Detoxify: Pleasantly smooth and minty. Most expensive I tried but also best toothpaste I've ever used.
3. Colgate Clean Mint: Slightly stronger mint than Crest's regular paste makes it slightly more pleasant. But otherwise unremarkable.
4. Listerine Essential Care Gel: Doesn't spread very well because it's a gel. Taste is shockingly pleasant, somewhere between Listerine mouthwash and regular crest toothpaste. Leaves a very clean feel in your mouth.
5. Crest Cavity Protection Regular Paste: Unremarkable and reasonably priced.
6. Aquafresh Extreme Clean: Harsh taste and paste that doesn't spread or foam very well. Not unpleasant but took some getting used to.
7. Crest 3D White: Tastes like clay and one of the more expensive toothpastes. Weird texture and vaguely burns after use. Unpleasant to use but bearable. Also teeth whitening is unnecessary IMO.
8. Kid's Crest Cavity Protection Sparkle Fun: Foams up an absurd amount, vaguely gritty, tastes like awful bubble gum. Using it was an awful experience.